When I was with my ex-boyfriend back in March-April, I went round his house just to like...hang out. We went up to his room and it was like he was ordering me about, telling me to lie down, take my jacket off, cuddle up to him, etcera.
Anyway, we just started kissing, and he just...he pulls my legs wide and it's like he's controlling them. He wanted something more. So we kiss again, and he pulls my top up, scrunching my bra down and just kisses...that area. I'm feeling so uncomfortable by this time and I think I said no, or maybe I just thought of saying it. Anyway, I try to go, I say I want to go, and he says okay, but as I stand up, he holds me and tries to take down my trousers. All I could think about was getting out of that situation.
I just walked home crying. He was my boyfriend, I shouldn't have thought so weirdly of him. But I kept thinking, when I got home, how much further would he have gone, even if he knew I was uncomfortable?
We're not together any more.
I haven't seen that much of "John"- we're only coming in for exams. However, I saw him a few times this week and the memories can flooding back. I just felt sick, like somehow he might do it again. I still think of it, and the whole thing's so vivid in my head.
Maybe I was just...new to the whole thing, you know? Maybe that was why I was so uncomfortable. But it's practically June and it still hurts me. We didn't have sex or anything, but I just felt really dirty after.
How do I stop these thoughts?
For a few days, a few weeks after it happened, I had nightmares- he kept drifting into my dreams and I'd be back in his room, American Pie 2 on the television, his sister's music blaring, and me lying down on his bed while he makes comments about my body.
Things were calm since we broke up on 2nd April. No nightmares or anything. Just the occasional thought, and then nothing. So why is it only now it's affecting me again? Is it because of the fact that I haven't seen him more than once since Monday?
I don't know whether my inexperience was my fault or not. You know, maybe he just wanted more than I was willing to give, and he got a little annoyed.
Maybe he didn't know how uncomfortable I was with it all. I am so unsure if I said "no" or not.
I just keep going over and over in my head; what would have happened if we had gone further? If I hadn't left when I did? On the Friday we left school, he said I had the chance to "do" him, but I left so abruptly. It backs up what my friend said about his intention of why he wanted me to come round his house in March. If he KNEW I was uncomfortable...does that mean...
The whole experience is coming back again. The smells, the way he switched off his mobile, the way I had to open my eyes and look at the DVD playing to stop thinking about what he was doing.
Was I attacked? How could I have been, if he didn't know how I was feeling?
Am I stupid for feeling this way?