Ashley (ashleyisgone) wrote in teen_troubles,

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Pain erases pain

For quite some time I have known that I suffer from depression. I started mutilating myself when I was eight. Back then, I didn't know what I was doing was wrong, I just knew it felt good. I would scratch myself until I bled, and then when the wounds began to heal, I would pick at them. Around the time I was 11, I began pulling out my hair, and that was when I was finally diagnosed...Took my mom 3 years to notice anything was wrong...I finally overcame it, but it seems as though lately things are going downhill. Just a few days ago I was going to commit suicide, but instead I began to cut myself. I have had friends who cut themselves, but it was just for show. They would make little scratches on their skin that didn't even draw blood, and they would BRAG about it! It made me so mad...Well, bad to the suicide thing, I was sitting there, and I thought 'I can't kill myself, who is going to clean it up?' Fucked up thoughts, I know. So I thought back to what my friends had been braging about, and before I knew it, I was cutting myself like it was the best thing in the world. Oddly enough, the pain coming from my arms and legs seemed to erase the pain life was causing...And now I am stuck on it...I find myself sneaking away to my room, and rolling up the legs of my pants just to cut myself a few times, before finishing my chores...I know, I sound pathetic, but I need help. When I tried to admit to my mom that I was back to self-mutilating, she started talking about how people only did shit like that for attention. I don't want attention, I want help...God, I sound like such a pathetic fool. I don't wanna die...I just wanna stop hurting.
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